AHN/KRU

KRU / oil on canvas / 2017 / 180x145 cm

vergangenheit. vergessen. verdrängt. ahnen. kollektive traumata. persönliches. angst. suche nach halt.

the past. forgotten. repressed. ancestors. collective trauma. personally. fear. search for something to hold on.

Kuana brengt mi ôm / nobody is killing me - Performancevideo

kuana brengt mi ôm / nobody is killing me – Performance by Conni Holzer 2019

Ich werde von niemandem umgebracht. Oder? Was geschehen ist und geschieht lässt mich erschaudern. Aus dem Unbewussten kriecht es herauf, das Grauen. Ich wappne mich gegen das, was war und ist. Gegen das Grauen in mir und um mich herum. Was mich berührt, ist nicht immer angenehm, doch es führt mich immer zu mir.

I’m not being killed by anyone, right? What happend and what is happening makes me shudder. From the unconcious it is crawling up, the horror. I arm myself against it, the past and the present. Against the horror inside myself and around me. What touches me isn’t always nice, but it leads me always to myself.

 

translations for the lyrics in the performance

such as and as if, someone keeps what he promisses. such as and as if, someone says what he means. as if I understand anything of what you are saying. such as a line is a line. Is a line a line? I know, I know, I know I know nothing. (first poetic sound collage in the performance, dialect from Lustenau)

the sky so blue, the sky so blue, the sky so blue – glowing rose, rose – apricot, apricot, apricot (song in the performance, german)

nobody is killing me. nobody is killing me. I breath and breath.  nobody stuffs me into a train and puts me away. nobody is killing me. nobody dunks me into cold water until I drown. nobody is killing me. I breath and breath. nobody says take your stuff and disappear. nobody beats me up, green and blue. nobody is killing me. I breath and breath. I breath and breath and breath. (second poetic sound collage in the performance, dialect from Lustenau)

recipe from Mascha Kaleko (third poetic sound collage in the performance, german)

 

drawings: kohle im quadrat / charcoal in a square / charcoal on paper / 2017 / 30×30 cm

Ondrm Bôm / under the tree / oil on canvas / 2018 / 170x120 cm

Ondrm Bôm / under the tree / song / 2018 / dialect from Lustenau

under the tree, under the tree, lies my little pile of misery. under the tree, under the tree, stays my little pile of misery. under the tree.

As luftat / wind blows / poetic sound collage / dialect form Lustenau

wind is blowing. I’m bowing in all directions. blowing me away and back. wind shoves and pushes, my hair flyes away. wind is blowing, wind is blowing me away! hold me tight, ground, hold me tight.

As luftat / wind blows / oil on canvas / 2018 / 150x150 cm

tanzschuh / dancingshoe / shoes, acryl, pencil on wood/ 2018

fingerprint / shoes, acryl, charcoal on wood/ 2018 / 61x50 cm

als ich als kunttherapeutin auf der gerontopsychiatrie baumgartnerhöhe in Wien tätig war, war ich mit viel vergangenheit konfrontiert. vergangenheit des ortes, des bodens auf dem ich ging, der gebäude, der ärzte die dort arbeiteten, der menschen die dort gefoltert und getötet wurden während des zweiten weltkrieges. mit der vergangenheit der menschen mit denen ich therapeutisch arbeitete, menschen die ein langes leben gelebt haben, viel grauen erlebt und bezeugt haben. traumata werden an die nächsten generationen vererbt. ich, die ich mich fühle alsob ich für das was ich bin getötet werde. ich, wie ich versuche geerbte wunden der vergangenheit zu verarbeiten und zu heilen. ich bin die verwundete und die verwundende. male und singe durch das ganze durch. finde frieden unter dem baum. webe netze. blicke der vergangenheit ins gesicht. fühle neue stärke. ahnen im rücken, heilend.

when I was working as an arttherapist on the gerontopsychiatry in Vienna, Baumgartnerhöhe, I was confronted with a lot of past. past from the place, the ground I was walking on, from the buildings, the doctors who worked there, the people who were torchered and killed there during the nazi regime. with the past of the people I was working with, people who lived a long live, experienced and witnessed a lot of horror. trauma is passed on to next generations. me feeling like I am being killed for what I am. me triying to process and heal the inherited wounds of the past. I am the Wounded and the Wounding. painting and singing through all of it. finding peace under the tree. weaving nets. facing the past. feeling new strength. ancestors in my back, healing.

um etwas los zu werden / wo get rid of something / oil on canvas / 2018 / 120x145cm

um etwas los zu werden / to get rid of something / poetic sound collage / 2017 / german

to get rid of something you have to start. I can’t start. I can’t. I can’t. to get rid of something you have to start. I’m not getting rid of myself.

borders / oil on canvas / 2019 / 70x150 cm

wämmr d’Naacht / when the night / poetic sound/song collage / dialect from lustenau

when the night falls on my head, when the night falls on my head, without a sign of coming, it crashes onto me. I thought it was morning, I thought it was morning!

tRAUMfängerfAHNEN / dreamcatcherANCESTORS

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